Single? Beware of expecting ‘instant chemistry’…

Beware instant chemistry!

Beware instant chemistry!

…it can blind us from the potential of a great partnership – and leave us  disillusioned and alone!

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In this brief video clip from my address to a conference of matchmakers in Florida in March this year,  I raise an issue that I’ve referred to in previous insights that is causing a great deal of disappointment for singles seeking love…       … the expectation that they will be smitten at first sight when they meet ‘the one’ with whom they will share their life. 

Yet all too often this is an expectation of high chemistry at the outset can not only blind us from a potentially great relationship – but also leave us disillusioned and alone.

There is no doubt that sexual attraction is usually an important ingredient of a partnership.  However, the rush of hormones that accompanies ‘love at first sight’ is usually more to do with perpetuation of the species than compatibility when it comes to sharing the ups and downs of life.

Indeed, as I have also mentioned previously, experts in the field of love and attraction will go so far as to say that if the instant chemistry is a 9 or 10 it is wise to run the other way!

Lasting chemistry  is likely to last comes from a relationship with someone you  really care for the more that you get to know them…and  from being known and appreciated for who you really are, warts and all!

3 thoughts on “Single? Beware of expecting ‘instant chemistry’…

  1. Dear Yvonne

    When I was dating in my teens/20s (pre internet/mobile phones), meeting someone generally involved being in the same physical space and some form of instant attraction – “And then, suddenly, the crowds part and there he is: sleek, stylish… radiant with charisma” to quote the George Downes’ line from My Best Friend’s Wedding (granted, that was the 90s and he was also on his mobile). Then there would be talk, and, if things clicked, an exchange of (landline) numbers, numerous dates (again being in the same physical location) and a gradual unfolding of who each of us is, and maybe some thought as to who we might become as studies, career and interests develop. A decade or 2 (OK, 3) later, who I am is somewhat a fait accompli (although I am embracing the opportunity for new experiences), and the options to meet that special single in person to gauge an instant attraction without some form of assistance/planning are negligible. With the current technologies that facilitate instant access and gratification, and drive the need to always be connected (FOMA), and the seemingly faster pace of life, it seems that this “unfolding time” as I shall call it is circumvented and sacrificed. I agree that photos are not really necessary as we can all be made to look better in a photo; truth be known, we all can identify with having less than flattering images taken of us that we wouldn’t dare upload! As a second-round dater, I realise that looks aren’t everything. So although photos can be optional with internet dating and some introduction agency, what these services do do is serve up on a platter a synopsis of us, again circumventing their revelation during “unfolding time”. Whilst this helps to shorten the field (as simple as yes v no, click v delete), I am concerned about the short circuiting of the discovery phase of a potential relationship and I think that daters need to take care that they do not eliminate an otherwise ideal partner.

    • Thank you for your comments and appreciation of the challenges that focusing first and foremost on ‘looks’ can have when it comes to selecting the person one wants to partner. Alas our divorce statistics would suggest this is not a good enough formula for ‘happiness ever after’!

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