Do this instead.
If you’re on your own when you would prefer to be sharing life with a partner, I suggest that it is important that you take time to consider what really matters when it comes to that ‘special someone’ — your soulmate, or whatever you prefer to call them.
Perhaps, like many discerning singles, you have been limiting your chances of finding and keeping love for reasons that are worth questioning, such as requiring that they must have a particular interest or color hair?.
Maybe, as for Jane, a woman who contacted my consultancy recently, you are narrowing the field of potential partners, and causing yourself unnecessary and perhaps lasting disappointment.
As many a successful lawyer, Jane’s focus has been on her demanding career at the expense of her personal life. Now, at the age of 41, she is feeling pressure to have a child before it’s too late.
I was somewhat surprised during my phone conversation with Jane when she made it clear that she was not prepared to meet men any older than 42.
Given that it takes time to develop a relationship — and the potential challenges women can have conceiving as they age — I explained that most men aged 42 who want to have a family have a preference for a younger woman, a preference that is reasonable.
When I advised her that we did, however, have eligible male clients in their mid to later 40’s and older who are youthful, energetic and open to having a child, she was not interested in talking further.
Hopefully, she does not have cause to regret for the rest of her life how she limited her wish list, excluding some great potential partners .
Guys also can be blind to a potentially great relationship.
I recall when a handsome man in his late 40′s took me by surprise when he said that he’d been out on hundreds of first dates over his life, but had never had a second.
He told me he was sure he would recognize the woman who was the ‘special someone’ for him in hours — if not minutes!
Maybe, like him, you’re a man — or woman — who expects there to be instant chemistry when you first meet and so rarely have a second date even though you really enjoyed your time together.
While the hormone rush of meeting someone who really ‘turns you on’ may be a wonderful high and something you wish for, it can be risky business as the basis of a lasting relationship.
Unfortunately, all too often that initial “high” ends up as the low of hurt and disillusion as the hormones settle. That is when the reality of incompatibility becomes apparent.
Several years ago, I had the pleasure of hearing a lecture given by Ann Teachworth, a highly respected American psychologist and author of Why We Pick The Mates We Do.
I am sure most of her audience were surprised as this wise woman declared “when it comes to initial chemistry, if someone is a 9 or 10 out of 10, run the other way!”
In keeping with her name, Ann then explained that when we feel so smitten, we are likely to behave as if we were pretzels; bending to be whatever we think the other wants us to be. That prevents us from seeing and appreciating the person as they really are. It also prevents us from being ourselves.
Unfortunately, once the first rush settles — be this over the ensuing weeks, months or during the first year or two — all too often one or both partners realize there is not sufficient substance beneath the initial attraction to hold them together.
A mutually rewarding relationship is not a matter of interests, age nor an instant ’high’.
In reality, real love — and lasting chemistry — grow as a couple gets to really know and value each other, warts and all!
So do not allow your idea of a soulmate or “Mr./Mrs. Right” get in the way of finding the real partner who might be perfect for you — in ways you may never have been able to guess!
Yvonne Allen is an author, public speaker, and matchmaker who is also a well-known media consultant. Visit Yvonne Allen’s website or discover her eBooks on Amazon if you’d like to know more about finding your ideal match and reach your goals for love!