Is Waiting To Meet Your ‘Soulmate” The Reason Why You’re Single?

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Do this instead.

If you’re on your own when you would prefer to be sharing life with a partner, I suggest that it is important that you take time to consider what really matters when it comes to that ‘special someone’ — your soulmate, or whatever you prefer to call them.

Perhaps, like many discerning singles, you have been limiting your chances of finding and keeping love for reasons that are worth questioning, such as requiring that they must have a particular interest or color hair?.

Maybe, as for Jane, a woman who contacted my consultancy recently, you are narrowing the field of potential partners, and causing yourself unnecessary and perhaps lasting disappointment.

As many a successful lawyer, Jane’s focus has been on her demanding career at the expense of her personal life. Now, at the age of 41, she is feeling pressure to have a child before it’s too late.

I was somewhat surprised during my phone conversation with Jane when she made it clear that she was not prepared to meet men any older than 42.

Given that it takes time to develop a relationship — and the potential challenges women can have conceiving as they age — I explained that most men aged 42 who want to have a family have a preference for a younger woman, a preference that is reasonable.

When I advised her that we did, however, have eligible male clients in their mid to later 40’s and older who are youthful, energetic and open to having a child, she was not interested in talking further.

Hopefully, she does not have cause to regret for the rest of her life how she limited her wish list, excluding some great potential partners .

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Guys also can be blind to a potentially great relationship.

I recall when a handsome man in his late 40′s took me by surprise when he said that he’d been out on hundreds of first dates over his life, but had never had a second.

He told me he was sure he would recognize the woman who was the ‘special someone’ for him in hours —  if not minutes!

Maybe, like him, you’re a man — or woman —  who expects there to be instant chemistry when you first meet and so rarely have a second date even though you really enjoyed your time together.

While the hormone rush of meeting someone who really ‘turns you on’ may be a wonderful high and something you wish for, it can be risky business as the basis of a lasting relationship.

Unfortunately, all too often that initial “high” ends up as the low of hurt and disillusion as the hormones settle. That is when the reality of incompatibility becomes apparent.

Several years ago, I had the pleasure of hearing a lecture given by Ann Teachworth, a highly respected American psychologist and author of Why We Pick The Mates We Do.

I am sure most of her audience were surprised as this wise woman declared “when it comes to initial chemistry, if someone is a 9 or 10 out of 10, run the other way!”

In keeping with her name, Ann then explained that when we feel so smitten, we are likely to behave as if we were pretzels; bending to be whatever we think the other wants us to be. That prevents us from seeing and appreciating the person as they really are. It also prevents us from being ourselves.

Unfortunately, once the first rush settles — be this over the ensuing weeks, months or during the first year or two — all too often one or both partners realize there is not sufficient substance beneath the initial attraction to hold them together.

A mutually rewarding relationship is not a matter of interests, age nor an instant ’high’.

In reality, real love — and lasting chemistry — grow as a couple gets to really know and value each other, warts and all!

So do not allow your idea of a soulmate or “Mr./Mrs. Right” get in the way of finding the real partner who might be perfect for you — in ways you may never have been able to guess!

Yvonne Allen is an author, public speaker, and matchmaker who is also a well-known media consultant. Visit Yvonne Allen’s website or discover her eBooks on Amazon if you’d like to know more about finding your ideal match and reach your goals for love!

Why Reality TV Shows Are The Worst Place To Look For Lasting Love

do reality tv relationships last

Why relationships found on shows like ‘The Bachelor’ almost never succeed.

While many guys and gals are game to expose their desire for love —  and more —  to an audience of potentially millions, it seems that very few actually meet their match on television shows like The Bachelor.

As a relationship mentor and psychologist and matchmaker for many years, this comes as no surprise.

Because unfortunately, it would seem that the meaning of commitment and marriage has been lost in translation.

From my brief experience being considered as a potential ‘expert’ for one of the early ‘meet your match and marry’ shows, I know that the focus then was not on likely compatibility. The aim was to attract and hold the attention and interest of a large viewing audience.

Where I perceived an obvious ‘mismatch’, those selecting saw rating and dollar signs $$.

Unfortunately, this seems to be even more the case these days, especially when couples are expected to meet, wed, and bed in front of a camera in fewer than 24 hours.

For those participants who genuinely attempt to make a relationship work in front of a camera, it must be very disappointing if they fail to do so. Yet to have so-called ‘intimacy’ knowing it is entertainment for all the world to see must be almost mission impossible.

Commitment to marriage is a major decision in anyone’s life, even for compatible couples who have dated and shared a breadth of life experiences together over many months —  if not years.

Surely it should come as no surprise that only one of the couples wed immediately after being introduced on a popular television show in Australia has chosen to stay together thus far.

Indeed, from my point of view, their compatibility and commitment are more likely due to chance rather than any expertise of those involved in bringing them together.

Unfortunately, these days I think that there is deliberate mismatching of some, if not all, of the couples in such shows in order to create interest and drama.

However, even if potentially compatible, the extreme pressure of initiating and attempting to develop intimacy in a new relationship for all to see must dramatically reduce its likelihood of lasting.

Currently, in some “meet your match” shows, unlikely candidates for living happily-ever-after are expected after but a few hours to share a bed with a camera for the company, and for all the world to see.

What is amazing is that those participating are already aware that this is likely to be their experience if chosen.

If you are game and seek fame rather than lasting love, revealing your talent —  and more —  on such a show could be a fun way to go.

While you may expose your body, I suggest you protect your heart.

 

Some dos and don’ts when dating a woman with a career!

A successful woman

As a matchmaker I have often heard single men say that they find it difficult to know if a woman who works in a business or professional role is interested or available…even after a first date. It seems that the supposedly innate flirting response has gone missing! Unfortunately, this is not surprising given that these days many women who have demanding careers conceal their softer, more feminine attributes as they strive to achieve.

When you have an initial date with a woman with a demanding career, I strongly recommend avoiding conversations to do with her work…it will prevent her from relaxing. Topics of conversations about common interests such as travel, movies, sport or music can help you to both to be at ease.  Activities such as visiting an art gallery after a morning coffee then sharing lunch,  or walking in the botanical gardens or along a beach while chatting can help to bring her feminine self to the fore.

If you arrange to meet after work, be aware that the demands of her day may have left her stressed and needing to unwind. Talking about topics unrelated to work over a glass of wine or dinner will help her to enjoy the moment and boost her feel good hormones!

Be aware that the tendency these days for women to focus ‘as if a man’ can conceal feminine attributes that you can help to flourish as you get to know each other. It is worthwhile having a second date unless there is no likelihood of friendship which is the basis of any potential relationship.

Don’t assume she isn’t interested in seeing you again unless she says so.

Do focus on enjoying being in the present.

Don’t look for what is missing at the outset

If you have enjoyed your time together, do let her know that you will contact her within a few days …and do so!

 

Are you happy? If not, cheer up – it’s great for your health!

Are You Happy

Over recent years I have had the good fortune to attend a number of Happiness and its Causes conferences now held in Australia annually.  As on previous occasions, the presentations, events and activities this year were informative and the general atmosphere really motivating and uplifting.

Below are some significant results from research provided by Lyubomirski and King based in the US who have written several papers  that provide a convincing rationale for us to look on the sunny side of life no matter how grey the day…..

Happy people…

Are more productive at work and more creative

Make more money and have superior jobs

Are better leaders and negotiators

Are more likely to marry and to have fulfilling marriages, and less likely to divorce

Have more friends and social support

Have stronger immune systems, are physically healthier, and even live longer

Are more helpful and philanthropic

Cope better with stress and trauma

Having a positive approach to life regardless of the challenges is likely to help boost your health, wealth and happiness!

 

Managing stress is key to enjoying life and relationships…

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…so why are bathtubs going out of fashion?

Over the many years I have tapped the keyboard for countless hours about the importance of taking time out to care of ourselves if we are to counter the seemingly endless pressures of life today. Alas it seems I did not practice what I preach!  Several weeks ago, after having spent so much time at the computer, my body finally complained such that I could not tap the keys without shooting pain in my right arm and hand. As I had been finding it difficult to sleep and to enjoy life  I’m sure it had also been trying times for my partner, Stephen..  

,After viewing an x-ray, my doctor referred me to a surgeon who suggested that he operate on my neck and hand. For me surgery was an extreme and unappealing first option, especially given that it would focus on the symptoms rather than the cause of my body’s distress.  So instead I decided to take ‘stress leave’ from my everyday commitments and focus on strengthening muscles, working with a physio and taking time out. Relaxing in a bath – with bubbles! –  has also been high on my list of ‘to dos’ every day to take better care of myself

When house hunting recently with my partner Stephen,  I was surprised and disappointed to find that several of the advertised houses that offered features we sought – including a sea view and two bathrooms – only had showers.  A number of real estate agents told us this is common, especially in newer properties. It would also seem a trend in hotel accommodation as when booking a room last month for an interstate trip I was advised by reception that most of the suites had been recently renovated and that only those not yet updated still contained a bath!

The good news is that we now reside in a home by the sea which contains a bath and I continue to focus on taking better care of me.

What are you doing to take care of you?

Taking a bath may be ‘old fashioned’ or something you do not enjoy.  However, to prevent the distress caused by stress, it is important to take time out regularly to let your mind and body relax –  it will make a positive difference to your health and your relationships!