Is Waiting To Meet Your ‘Soulmate” The Reason Why You’re Single?

1 man kissing woman's forehead._0

Do this instead.

If you’re on your own when you would prefer to be sharing life with a partner, I suggest that it is important that you take time to consider what really matters when it comes to that ‘special someone’ — your soulmate, or whatever you prefer to call them.

Perhaps, like many discerning singles, you have been limiting your chances of finding and keeping love for reasons that are worth questioning, such as requiring that they must have a particular interest or color hair?.

Maybe, as for Jane, a woman who contacted my consultancy recently, you are narrowing the field of potential partners, and causing yourself unnecessary and perhaps lasting disappointment.

As many a successful lawyer, Jane’s focus has been on her demanding career at the expense of her personal life. Now, at the age of 41, she is feeling pressure to have a child before it’s too late.

I was somewhat surprised during my phone conversation with Jane when she made it clear that she was not prepared to meet men any older than 42.

Given that it takes time to develop a relationship — and the potential challenges women can have conceiving as they age — I explained that most men aged 42 who want to have a family have a preference for a younger woman, a preference that is reasonable.

When I advised her that we did, however, have eligible male clients in their mid to later 40’s and older who are youthful, energetic and open to having a child, she was not interested in talking further.

Hopefully, she does not have cause to regret for the rest of her life how she limited her wish list, excluding some great potential partners .

via GIPHY

Guys also can be blind to a potentially great relationship.

I recall when a handsome man in his late 40′s took me by surprise when he said that he’d been out on hundreds of first dates over his life, but had never had a second.

He told me he was sure he would recognize the woman who was the ‘special someone’ for him in hours —  if not minutes!

Maybe, like him, you’re a man — or woman —  who expects there to be instant chemistry when you first meet and so rarely have a second date even though you really enjoyed your time together.

While the hormone rush of meeting someone who really ‘turns you on’ may be a wonderful high and something you wish for, it can be risky business as the basis of a lasting relationship.

Unfortunately, all too often that initial “high” ends up as the low of hurt and disillusion as the hormones settle. That is when the reality of incompatibility becomes apparent.

Several years ago, I had the pleasure of hearing a lecture given by Ann Teachworth, a highly respected American psychologist and author of Why We Pick The Mates We Do.

I am sure most of her audience were surprised as this wise woman declared “when it comes to initial chemistry, if someone is a 9 or 10 out of 10, run the other way!”

In keeping with her name, Ann then explained that when we feel so smitten, we are likely to behave as if we were pretzels; bending to be whatever we think the other wants us to be. That prevents us from seeing and appreciating the person as they really are. It also prevents us from being ourselves.

Unfortunately, once the first rush settles — be this over the ensuing weeks, months or during the first year or two — all too often one or both partners realize there is not sufficient substance beneath the initial attraction to hold them together.

A mutually rewarding relationship is not a matter of interests, age nor an instant ’high’.

In reality, real love — and lasting chemistry — grow as a couple gets to really know and value each other, warts and all!

So do not allow your idea of a soulmate or “Mr./Mrs. Right” get in the way of finding the real partner who might be perfect for you — in ways you may never have been able to guess!

Yvonne Allen is an author, public speaker, and matchmaker who is also a well-known media consultant. Visit Yvonne Allen’s website or discover her eBooks on Amazon if you’d like to know more about finding your ideal match and reach your goals for love!

Why Waiting For LOVE To Make You Happy Is A TERRIBLE Idea

does love make you happy

RomComs are a lie. Believe this instead.

A lot of people think finding a partner is their best chance to be happy.

But if you are single and think your happiness is dependent upon you falling in love, I suggest you change your mind.

After four decades of providing matchmaking and relationship consulting services for thousands of discerning singles, I can assure you of a few simple facts:

1. It is unrealistic to expect someone else to make and keep us happy.

Only we can make the decision to be positive, regardless of the ups and downs we experience in our lives.

To place the responsibility for our happiness on another is likely to leave us feeling insecure…and lonely

2. Appreciating the many positives in our lives  something as simple as stopping and watching a sunset  can make us feel happy.

Something as simple as stopping and watching a sunset or walking along a beach can uplift our spirits, no matter the challenges and disappointments in life.

3. Being unhappy is not likely to attract a potential partner

If you are happy and positive, you are more likely to attract that desired special someone you’d love to have in your life.

4. Smiling is a great start to meeting the right person. 

Not only does it lift our spirits but it is also catching!

The benefits of happiness.

As someone who both personally and professionally appreciates the importance of feeling happy, I have had the good fortune to attend a number of Happiness and its Causes conferences held in Australia.

Although coming from diverse backgrounds, ranging from Tibetan lamas to academic scientists, the speakers always provide a convincing case for being positive no matter how challenging the circumstances.

Not one who has suggested that we place the responsibility on anyone else — including a partner — for ourselves being happy.

There are a lot of benefits to being happy, well beyond just the obvious.

At a recent Happiness conference, significant results from research conducted in the US by Lyubomirski and King provided a convincing rationale for the benefits of looking on the sunny side of life no matter how gray the day.

Based upon these positive outcomes, it would seem that being happy is not only likely to enhance our chances of attracting — but also of keeping — a loving partner.

According to their research:

Happy people…

Are more productive at work and more creative

Make more money and have superior jobs

Are better leaders and negotiators

Are more likely to marry and to have fulfilling marriages and less likely to divorce

Have more friends and social support

Have stronger immune systems, are physically healthier, and even live longer

Are more helpful and philanthropic

Cope better with stress and trauma

So turn that frown upside down!   

Having a positive approach to life, regardless of the challenges, is likely to not only help boost your health, wealth and happiness — but also to increase your chances of finding and keeping love!

Yvonne is an Expert Author and contributor to YourTango

Like to know more? Visit Yvonne Allen’s website or discover her eBooks on Amazon.

How To Find Love In The Time Of Tinder (Psst! It Is Possible)

romance_2

Two things you NEED to know.

As I was preparing my thoughts when invited to speak to an audience of young women on the topic “Modern Love in the Time of Tinder” I pondered on what those attending that afternoon might actually mean by “modern love” in the first place.

Many of them might even ask the question, “What is love?”

Perhaps I am old fashioned, but when it comes to dating and mating, surely love is love!

But it’s not that simple, is it? 

Only a few decades ago, going on a date was special. Before the advent of the internet, it usually required quite some courage for a guy to approach a gal and ask her out.

Given it was likely that she would be someone in his neighborhood or workplace, he risked the embarrassment of being knocked back.

While women flirted, they were less likely to make the first move. All the pressure was on the guy, and she was left a little helpless.

As it could be a long time between drinks, both usually tried to make a good impression. Sex was something likely to be taken slowly, given the potential risks to one’s reputation and the possibility of conception.

These days, however, things have changed!

Regardless of our sex or sexual preference, if we are looking to meet that “special someone” we only need to put some info about ourselves on dating sites online — or tap details into our phones  —  and almost immediately we are likely to have many possible dates to consider.

If our overtures are rejected, there need be no embarrassment, even if we are disappointed.

While it is much easier to make contact with many potential partners and to date using technology … and either one can readily make the first move … it seems more challenging nowadays to develop a real relationship.

But it’s highly possible that, even with all this opportunity, you keep having dates that look promising but end up nowhere.

This can be very disappointing, especially if you are a woman who has met a guy on Tinder that you found attractive, enjoyed sex with him early on that stimulated your bonding hormones, and then never heard from him again.

You’re not alone if you feel like your encounters of modern love in today’s time of Tinder have also been disappointing.

Maybe you, too, have enjoyed the pleasure of a number of ‘hot’ dates — modern love? — only to have the person concerned cease contact.

However, whatever the outcome, that failure is not the responsibility of the dating site or Tinder.

If your aim is to enjoy more than a casual affair, I suggest that you mention in your profile that you’d like to develop a Tinder friendship that could lead to something more.

Rather than blame the technology for your experiencing brief encounters with sex top of mind, you can take responsibility for your outcome by making it very clear that casual sex isn’t what you are seeking.

There’s a secret ingredient to love: Friendship.

I found it interesting that no one in the audience on the day of my talk mentioned friendship as something that they sought when connecting.

Yet, in reality, no matter how or where we meet, a relationship that is to be founded on real, lasting love (rather than instant attraction or short-term sex) is likely to be one that develops and flourishes over time as we get to know and appreciate each other … even if this before or beyond the first flush of chemistry that leads to love!

Yes, anyone looking for love today can search for — and connect with — countless potential partners through the likes of Tinder or numerous dating sites.

So be sure that, in these times of Tinder, you are clear in your profile what you’re really looking for. And don’t overlook the importance of friendship in favor of hot sex early on.

Like to know more? Visit Yvonne Allen’s website or discover her eBooks on Amazon.

Some dos and don’ts when dating a woman with a career!

A successful woman

As a matchmaker I have often heard single men say that they find it difficult to know if a woman who works in a business or professional role is interested or available…even after a first date. It seems that the supposedly innate flirting response has gone missing! Unfortunately, this is not surprising given that these days many women who have demanding careers conceal their softer, more feminine attributes as they strive to achieve.

When you have an initial date with a woman with a demanding career, I strongly recommend avoiding conversations to do with her work…it will prevent her from relaxing. Topics of conversations about common interests such as travel, movies, sport or music can help you to both to be at ease.  Activities such as visiting an art gallery after a morning coffee then sharing lunch,  or walking in the botanical gardens or along a beach while chatting can help to bring her feminine self to the fore.

If you arrange to meet after work, be aware that the demands of her day may have left her stressed and needing to unwind. Talking about topics unrelated to work over a glass of wine or dinner will help her to enjoy the moment and boost her feel good hormones!

Be aware that the tendency these days for women to focus ‘as if a man’ can conceal feminine attributes that you can help to flourish as you get to know each other. It is worthwhile having a second date unless there is no likelihood of friendship which is the basis of any potential relationship.

Don’t assume she isn’t interested in seeing you again unless she says so.

Do focus on enjoying being in the present.

Don’t look for what is missing at the outset

If you have enjoyed your time together, do let her know that you will contact her within a few days …and do so!

 

Are you happy? If not, cheer up – it’s great for your health!

Are You Happy

Over recent years I have had the good fortune to attend a number of Happiness and its Causes conferences now held in Australia annually.  As on previous occasions, the presentations, events and activities this year were informative and the general atmosphere really motivating and uplifting.

Below are some significant results from research provided by Lyubomirski and King based in the US who have written several papers  that provide a convincing rationale for us to look on the sunny side of life no matter how grey the day…..

Happy people…

Are more productive at work and more creative

Make more money and have superior jobs

Are better leaders and negotiators

Are more likely to marry and to have fulfilling marriages, and less likely to divorce

Have more friends and social support

Have stronger immune systems, are physically healthier, and even live longer

Are more helpful and philanthropic

Cope better with stress and trauma

Having a positive approach to life regardless of the challenges is likely to help boost your health, wealth and happiness!