Challenges men encounter in the dating scene today.

3-12-2015 8-28-26 AM

There is no doubt that relating to the female of the species can be confusing for guys when it comes to dating…and vice versa!

Some observations I have provided to an international blog site re why dating can be so confusing and disappointing for both sexes today…

  • These days the supposedly innate flirting complex seems to have gone missing! Guys often say they don’t know whether to approach a woman. It seems many women develop a protective persona that conceals their more feminine and vulnerable self in the workplace – and beyond.
  • It is not surprising that men can often lose interest if a woman they’ve started dating texts or calls too often…their brains has evolved over millennia to assist them to focus on a task and to be ‘the hunter’. While a woman’s hormones may drive her to want to communicate and connect, a man is likely to be more aware of his feelings through missing her than constant contact.
  • Single women aware of their biological clock ticking often raise the issue of their desire to have a child during the first few dates – even when they know from his profile a man’s views re having children.   This is likely to turn off the guy who feels wanted more as a producer of offspring than for himself!
  • Sex early on can be risky business. For many a woman it’s likely to pump hormones that bond her emotionally while for a guy it may be just an enjoyable physical release.

Unless we build bridges of understanding millions of men and women in our world will be unhappily alone when they would prefer to be sharing life with a partner.

Appreciating gender difference is key to a great relationship!

 

Communication is key to a great relationship!

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Recently I sent the following letter to the editor of the Australian in response to an article by Bettina Arndt re international research that has revealed a dramatic change over recent decades in women’s interest in sex.

Bettina Arndt’s report re the increasing lack of desire for sex in many women does not surprise me. As as matchmaker since 1976 and also as a psychologist and relationship mentor, I have spoken to thousands of singles and couples about the increasing challenges to their enjoying a mutually rewarding sex life. Four decades ago it all seemed much simpler to achieve.

Today the majority of women work and have many more stressors in their lives – meeting the needs and expectations of their partner when it comes to sex being one. While for most guys, sex release is simple and straightforward, for a woman who is low in feel good hormone, it can be but another item on her list of ‘to dos’.

Communication and appreciating differences between the sexes when it comes to being sexually satisfied is key to enjoying a mutually rewarding sex life. For many a woman oxytocins, her feel good hormones, often need to reboot though simple pleasures such as touch and talk for her to really enjoy sex while her partner is more likely to be focused on orgasm.

Like most of the challenges we experience when it comes to living successfully together as men and women today, realising that our needs and expectations may differ is the basis on which to find mutually rewarding fulfillment.

I heed my own advice – reduce stress to find more fulfilment in life!

It is a year since I shared my last insight. At the time I was in a difficult and uncomfortable situation as I could not use my right arm or hand without causing pain.   My neck and shoulder complained during the day and  I was unable to sleep without waking on several occasions. In retrospect it is obvious that I had become quite depressed.

Like so many of us with demanding careers,  I had been leading a very busy, lop-sided  lifestyle without really taking stock of the toll this was taking on both body and mind… and the quality of my personal life. I had not heeded warnings over many months – and indeed years – about the need for me to create more balance in my life. In addition to the pressures of the everyday, managing my consultancy, spending hours on end tapping the keys of a computer in my study or sitting bent over various hand held devices had taken its toll. Ironically, much of the focus of my writing and speaking during that time had referred to how important it is to take steps to counter the stresses so prevalent in our lives today!

As my last insight indicated, I found solace from  many of the pressures of everyday life by enjoying relaxing in a bath.  However, this was not enough to remedy the challenges of my body that was insisting I make changes in the way I was living my life.

The good news is that I was forced to stop and take stock and make decisions that would help me to heal and to create better health and more joy.  I am pleased that I decided not to have surgery as recommended. Instead  I made the decision to stop and take stock of what changes I could make to improve my health and reduce stress. It was obvious to me that I needed to  focus on what I could do to help strengthen my body and avoid an operation. As well as committing to daily doses of muscle strengthening exercises,  I also decided to avoid the computer where possible and to reduce my work commitments.   By doing so I became aware of how little time I had spent enjoying simple things that I had once taken for granted such as walking barefoot along a beach, catching up with friends on a regular basis, attending body balance classes and enjoying a breadth of cultural  and social pastimes with my partner.

Now, a year later, I feel renewed. My muscle strengthening exercises have been effective and I am now able to use my right arm and hand without pain though I avoid spending much time at the keyboard. The decision my partner Stephen and I made to move  from living in the city to be by the bay was a wonderful prescription to improve my health.  We spend much more quality time together and enjoy sharing interests and activities with family and friends.

What lies ahead?   Instead of thinking it time for me to bring my career to a close, I am now keen to continue striving to make a positive difference in as many lives as I can through my work – while ensuring that I practice what I preach. Often we teach best that which we most need to learn!

What changes  can you make to reduce stress and create more balance and fulilment in you life?

 

Managing stress is key to enjoying life and relationships…

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…so why are bathtubs going out of fashion?

Over the many years I have tapped the keyboard for countless hours about the importance of taking time out to care of ourselves if we are to counter the seemingly endless pressures of life today. Alas it seems I did not practice what I preach!  Several weeks ago, after having spent so much time at the computer, my body finally complained such that I could not tap the keys without shooting pain in my right arm and hand. As I had been finding it difficult to sleep and to enjoy life  I’m sure it had also been trying times for my partner, Stephen..  

,After viewing an x-ray, my doctor referred me to a surgeon who suggested that he operate on my neck and hand. For me surgery was an extreme and unappealing first option, especially given that it would focus on the symptoms rather than the cause of my body’s distress.  So instead I decided to take ‘stress leave’ from my everyday commitments and focus on strengthening muscles, working with a physio and taking time out. Relaxing in a bath – with bubbles! –  has also been high on my list of ‘to dos’ every day to take better care of myself

When house hunting recently with my partner Stephen,  I was surprised and disappointed to find that several of the advertised houses that offered features we sought – including a sea view and two bathrooms – only had showers.  A number of real estate agents told us this is common, especially in newer properties. It would also seem a trend in hotel accommodation as when booking a room last month for an interstate trip I was advised by reception that most of the suites had been recently renovated and that only those not yet updated still contained a bath!

The good news is that we now reside in a home by the sea which contains a bath and I continue to focus on taking better care of me.

What are you doing to take care of you?

Taking a bath may be ‘old fashioned’ or something you do not enjoy.  However, to prevent the distress caused by stress, it is important to take time out regularly to let your mind and body relax –  it will make a positive difference to your health and your relationships!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What would I like to have written on my tombstone?

 …a valuable question to ponder!

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Rather than a morbid exercise, reflecting on how we would like to be remembered can be a valuable key to creating more fulfillment in our lives.  In seminars I have led over the years, many participants have said that taking time to think about this simple question has led to their making decisions that were positive and life changing.

All too often we can get caught up in the ‘busyness’ of our lives.  This is frequently driven by the desire to meet expectations that are held of us by family, colleagues, friends and the world at large rather than what really matters to us. For many today it is a career focus that is all consuming, leaving little time ‘to smell the roses’ let alone nourish our need for love.

I recall ‘Jasmine’, an attractive woman in her early 50’s, who came to my consultancy to meet a potential partner.  Given her high IQ had been evident from childhood it was assumed she would follow in the footsteps of her parents and become a specialist surgeon…and she did.  While there were benefits she enjoyed from her career, Jasmine had never shared life with a partner nor had a child, something she now sadly rued.

A year before contacting me. Jasmine had taken long service leave to think about what she really wanted in her life.  During this time she had joined an art class. To her surprise she discovered she delighted in expressing her creativity…and decided to focus full time on becoming an artist.

During her initial discussion with me, Jasmine said that taking time out to think about what she would like to have writ about her life was simply that ‘she loved and was loved’. While this was not limited to sharing life with a partner, something she did hope to achieve was a loving relationship with a man, preferably one who had children of his own, and experience the joys of giving and receiving in an intimate relationship.

Taking time out to think about what really matters to us in life and how we would like to be remembered can help us to make conscious choices that are life enhancing.