As a matchmaker I have often heard single men say that they find it difficult to know if a woman who works in a business or professional role is interested or available…even after a first date. It seems that the supposedly innate flirting response has gone missing! Unfortunately, this is not surprising given that these days many women who have demanding careers conceal their softer, more feminine attributes as they strive to achieve.
When you have an initial date with a woman with a demanding career, I strongly recommend avoiding conversations to do with her work…it will prevent her from relaxing. Topics of conversations about common interests such as travel, movies, sport or music can help you to both to be at ease. Activities such as visiting an art gallery after a morning coffee then sharing lunch, or walking in the botanical gardens or along a beach while chatting can help to bring her feminine self to the fore.
If you arrange to meet after work, be aware that the demands of her day may have left her stressed and needing to unwind. Talking about topics unrelated to work over a glass of wine or dinner will help her to enjoy the moment and boost her feel good hormones!
Be aware that the tendency these days for women to focus ‘as if a man’ can conceal feminine attributes that you can help to flourish as you get to know each other. It is worthwhile having a second date unless there is no likelihood of friendship which is the basis of any potential relationship.
Don’t assume she isn’t interested in seeing you again unless she says so.
Do focus on enjoying being in the present.
Don’t look for what is missing at the outset
If you have enjoyed your time together, do let her know that you will contact her within a few days …and do so!
There is no doubt that relating to the female of the species can be confusing for guys when it comes to dating…and vice versa!
Some observations I have provided to an international blog site re why dating can be so confusing and disappointing for both sexes today…
- These days the supposedly innate flirting complex seems to have gone missing! Guys often say they don’t know whether to approach a woman. It seems many women develop a protective persona that conceals their more feminine and vulnerable self in the workplace – and beyond.
- It is not surprising that men can often lose interest if a woman they’ve started dating texts or calls too often…their brains has evolved over millennia to assist them to focus on a task and to be ‘the hunter’. While a woman’s hormones may drive her to want to communicate and connect, a man is likely to be more aware of his feelings through missing her than constant contact.
- Single women aware of their biological clock ticking often raise the issue of their desire to have a child during the first few dates – even when they know from his profile a man’s views re having children. This is likely to turn off the guy who feels wanted more as a producer of offspring than for himself!
- Sex early on can be risky business. For many a woman it’s likely to pump hormones that bond her emotionally while for a guy it may be just an enjoyable physical release.
Unless we build bridges of understanding millions of men and women in our world will be unhappily alone when they would prefer to be sharing life with a partner.
Appreciating gender difference is key to a great relationship!
Recently I sent the following letter to the editor of the Australian in response to an article by Bettina Arndt re international research that has revealed a dramatic change over recent decades in women’s interest in sex.
Bettina Arndt’s report re the increasing lack of desire for sex in many women does not surprise me. As as matchmaker since 1976 and also as a psychologist and relationship mentor, I have spoken to thousands of singles and couples about the increasing challenges to their enjoying a mutually rewarding sex life. Four decades ago it all seemed much simpler to achieve.
Today the majority of women work and have many more stressors in their lives – meeting the needs and expectations of their partner when it comes to sex being one. While for most guys, sex release is simple and straightforward, for a woman who is low in feel good hormone, it can be but another item on her list of ‘to dos’.
Communication and appreciating differences between the sexes when it comes to being sexually satisfied is key to enjoying a mutually rewarding sex life. For many a woman oxytocins, her feel good hormones, often need to reboot though simple pleasures such as touch and talk for her to really enjoy sex while her partner is more likely to be focused on orgasm.
Like most of the challenges we experience when it comes to living successfully together as men and women today, realising that our needs and expectations may differ is the basis on which to find mutually rewarding fulfillment.
Meeting more than once can have many benefits!
This is not what I had imagined!
After talking with thousands of men and women about their frustrations when dating,
it would seem that many a potentially great relationship ended before it had a chance to
begin. All too often it seems that a first date is viewed as determining whether ‘it is on, or
not on’ rather than an opportunity for many possibilities – including the potential it holds for
romance and love.
As a matchmaker I always encourage clients to go on at least two dates realising that
there are many things to gain from doing so such as…
* developing a potential friendship * having the opportunity to practice dating skills
* increasing confidence in sustaining a conversation beyond a first encounter
* gaining insights into our real needs and expectations when it comes to a partner
* realising that initial judgements can be wrong
* discovering there are more things you appreciate as you get to know each other beyond the pressures of initial encounters
* sharing activities that you both enjoy yet do not want to do alone
* opening up new networks of friends for each other…which could include that special someone’ you would love to meet
Instead of having expectations – or looking for ‘what is not there’ when meeting someone for the first time – why not focus on what you appreciate in the person who has agreed to meet you. You may be pleasantly surprised by the possibilities this opens in you life.
There’s much more to me than what you first see!
Don’t let your expectations blind you to the potential opportunities of an initial meeting
While my consultancy has been described as being ‘Australia’s leading matchmakers’, an important aspect of our role when introducing potential partners is that of an ‘opportunity broker’. Unfortunately all too often a first date ends up in disappointment and an abrupt ending when It could have offered so much more. We always recommend getting together a second time.
Given my background in psychology and my work as a human relations consultant and matchmaker, I am aware of how much there can be to gain if each encounter we have is experienced with an open mind and a positive attitude. Over the years, thousands of our clients have become more aware of their real needs and expectations as they have met potential partners. They have also had the opportunity to practice their dating skills – an important one being how to turn a first date into a second!
If you go on a first date with the view that it is either ‘on or not on’, or focus on what is missing rather than enjoying what is, you are likely to end up disappointed and disillusioned…and at home alone when you could be sharing. Many of our clients have formed lasting friendships that have opened new networks as well as opportunities for enjoying shared interests and activities together.
The expectation of ‘instant chemistry’ can lead us to dismiss someone who could be a friend – and much more – if only we opened our hearts as well as our eyes through getting to know each other over more than just one encounter!