Challenges men encounter in the dating scene today.

3-12-2015 8-28-26 AM

There is no doubt that relating to the female of the species can be confusing for guys when it comes to dating…and vice versa!

Some observations I have provided to an international blog site re why dating can be so confusing and disappointing for both sexes today…

  • These days the supposedly innate flirting complex seems to have gone missing! Guys often say they don’t know whether to approach a woman. It seems many women develop a protective persona that conceals their more feminine and vulnerable self in the workplace – and beyond.
  • It is not surprising that men can often lose interest if a woman they’ve started dating texts or calls too often…their brains has evolved over millennia to assist them to focus on a task and to be ‘the hunter’. While a woman’s hormones may drive her to want to communicate and connect, a man is likely to be more aware of his feelings through missing her than constant contact.
  • Single women aware of their biological clock ticking often raise the issue of their desire to have a child during the first few dates – even when they know from his profile a man’s views re having children.   This is likely to turn off the guy who feels wanted more as a producer of offspring than for himself!
  • Sex early on can be risky business. For many a woman it’s likely to pump hormones that bond her emotionally while for a guy it may be just an enjoyable physical release.

Unless we build bridges of understanding millions of men and women in our world will be unhappily alone when they would prefer to be sharing life with a partner.

Appreciating gender difference is key to a great relationship!

 

Communication is key to a great relationship!

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Recently I sent the following letter to the editor of the Australian in response to an article by Bettina Arndt re international research that has revealed a dramatic change over recent decades in women’s interest in sex.

Bettina Arndt’s report re the increasing lack of desire for sex in many women does not surprise me. As as matchmaker since 1976 and also as a psychologist and relationship mentor, I have spoken to thousands of singles and couples about the increasing challenges to their enjoying a mutually rewarding sex life. Four decades ago it all seemed much simpler to achieve.

Today the majority of women work and have many more stressors in their lives – meeting the needs and expectations of their partner when it comes to sex being one. While for most guys, sex release is simple and straightforward, for a woman who is low in feel good hormone, it can be but another item on her list of ‘to dos’.

Communication and appreciating differences between the sexes when it comes to being sexually satisfied is key to enjoying a mutually rewarding sex life. For many a woman oxytocins, her feel good hormones, often need to reboot though simple pleasures such as touch and talk for her to really enjoy sex while her partner is more likely to be focused on orgasm.

Like most of the challenges we experience when it comes to living successfully together as men and women today, realising that our needs and expectations may differ is the basis on which to find mutually rewarding fulfillment.

Single? Beware of expecting ‘instant chemistry’…

Beware instant chemistry!

Beware instant chemistry!

…it can blind us from the potential of a great partnership – and leave us  disillusioned and alone!

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In this brief video clip from my address to a conference of matchmakers in Florida in March this year,  I raise an issue that I’ve referred to in previous insights that is causing a great deal of disappointment for singles seeking love…       … the expectation that they will be smitten at first sight when they meet ‘the one’ with whom they will share their life. 

Yet all too often this is an expectation of high chemistry at the outset can not only blind us from a potentially great relationship – but also leave us disillusioned and alone.

There is no doubt that sexual attraction is usually an important ingredient of a partnership.  However, the rush of hormones that accompanies ‘love at first sight’ is usually more to do with perpetuation of the species than compatibility when it comes to sharing the ups and downs of life.

Indeed, as I have also mentioned previously, experts in the field of love and attraction will go so far as to say that if the instant chemistry is a 9 or 10 it is wise to run the other way!

Lasting chemistry  is likely to last comes from a relationship with someone you  really care for the more that you get to know them…and  from being known and appreciated for who you really are, warts and all!

Valentine’s reminds us of the joy of love and romance…

… but it can also prompt feelings of loneliness and disappointment

Thinking of you

Thinking of you!

In the western world, February 14 is the day millions of cards, red roses and boxes of chocolates are sent to celebrate the joy that love can bring.  However, for those who are single but would prefer to be sharing life with a partner, Valentine’s can be somewhat difficult if not depressing.

While I am not keen on Valentine’s style commercilisation of the romance of love, I do think there are positives in being reminded of how important it is to love and be loved. Appreciating that there are one or more people in our lives who really matter to us is key to our health and happiness as a human being.

Regardless of whether you are single or partnered, I encourage you to be prompted by the Valentine’s celebrations to take time to  think about those you care for – and those you would like to be closer to – and contact them.

Making a phone call or sending an email or text to say ‘hi’ may not bring the zing of roses and romantic love…but it will help your feel good hormones to rise and make this a special time regardless!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hold and be held…

A simple prescription for health and happiness!

How long is it since you gave – and received – a caring hug?  For many of us these days much of our communication is not face-to-face but via today’s technology. Using telephony and online options such as email, Skype and Facebook are valuable and convenient ways of connecting, especially with family and friends who are not nearby.  However, as human beings, we also need to touch and be touched in the ‘real world’ for our emotional – and physical – wellbeing.

In the late 1970s after reading The Broken Heart, The Medical Consequences of Loneliness, I invited its author, Dr James Lynch, to travel from the US to share his insights with audiences in Australia.  In his controversial book, Dr Lynch revealed valuable information about the importance of touch when it comes to human health.  For example, research indicated that for patients who were unconscious and had erratic heartbeats, just touching and stroking their skin helped to settle the beat of their heart.

Given the increasing incidence of solo households in the western world…currently about 25% of all households in the US and expected to be about 31% in Australia by 2026, I would not be surprised if millions of men and women in the western world had not experienced the warmth of genuine human touch for many weeks or months – if not years. Unfortunately those who are touch-deprived are likely to include couples who live in the same residence but are estranged.

If you need a hug – or know someone who does – take action to hold and be held at the first opportunity you have to do so.  Not only could it be great for the health of you both but also make a positive difference to your day!