How To Find Love In The Time Of Tinder (Psst! It Is Possible)

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Two things you NEED to know.

As I was preparing my thoughts when invited to speak to an audience of young women on the topic “Modern Love in the Time of Tinder” I pondered on what those attending that afternoon might actually mean by “modern love” in the first place.

Many of them might even ask the question, “What is love?”

Perhaps I am old fashioned, but when it comes to dating and mating, surely love is love!

But it’s not that simple, is it? 

Only a few decades ago, going on a date was special. Before the advent of the internet, it usually required quite some courage for a guy to approach a gal and ask her out.

Given it was likely that she would be someone in his neighborhood or workplace, he risked the embarrassment of being knocked back.

While women flirted, they were less likely to make the first move. All the pressure was on the guy, and she was left a little helpless.

As it could be a long time between drinks, both usually tried to make a good impression. Sex was something likely to be taken slowly, given the potential risks to one’s reputation and the possibility of conception.

These days, however, things have changed!

Regardless of our sex or sexual preference, if we are looking to meet that “special someone” we only need to put some info about ourselves on dating sites online — or tap details into our phones  —  and almost immediately we are likely to have many possible dates to consider.

If our overtures are rejected, there need be no embarrassment, even if we are disappointed.

While it is much easier to make contact with many potential partners and to date using technology … and either one can readily make the first move … it seems more challenging nowadays to develop a real relationship.

But it’s highly possible that, even with all this opportunity, you keep having dates that look promising but end up nowhere.

This can be very disappointing, especially if you are a woman who has met a guy on Tinder that you found attractive, enjoyed sex with him early on that stimulated your bonding hormones, and then never heard from him again.

You’re not alone if you feel like your encounters of modern love in today’s time of Tinder have also been disappointing.

Maybe you, too, have enjoyed the pleasure of a number of ‘hot’ dates — modern love? — only to have the person concerned cease contact.

However, whatever the outcome, that failure is not the responsibility of the dating site or Tinder.

If your aim is to enjoy more than a casual affair, I suggest that you mention in your profile that you’d like to develop a Tinder friendship that could lead to something more.

Rather than blame the technology for your experiencing brief encounters with sex top of mind, you can take responsibility for your outcome by making it very clear that casual sex isn’t what you are seeking.

There’s a secret ingredient to love: Friendship.

I found it interesting that no one in the audience on the day of my talk mentioned friendship as something that they sought when connecting.

Yet, in reality, no matter how or where we meet, a relationship that is to be founded on real, lasting love (rather than instant attraction or short-term sex) is likely to be one that develops and flourishes over time as we get to know and appreciate each other … even if this before or beyond the first flush of chemistry that leads to love!

Yes, anyone looking for love today can search for — and connect with — countless potential partners through the likes of Tinder or numerous dating sites.

So be sure that, in these times of Tinder, you are clear in your profile what you’re really looking for. And don’t overlook the importance of friendship in favor of hot sex early on.

Like to know more? Visit Yvonne Allen’s website or discover her eBooks on Amazon.

Challenges women have in the dating scene today

Challenges

Once upon a time – only decades ago – most women assumed they’d marry…and did. These days, in the western world, a gal can achieve in most areas of life that were once the preserve of the male. Given the appropriate education and experience she can fly to the moon, head large corporations or lead her country. However, for many millions of women who want to attract and keep their Mr Right, the chances of doing so are increasingly bleak.

As a woman who founded my consultancy in Australia in 1976 for discerning singles seeking a partner, I have been in an unusual position to both witness and experience many of the  ever increasing challenges women with careers can have finding – and keeping – love. It seems that the more a woman focuses on achieving, the harder it can be for her to attract her ‘Mr Right’. All too often the stress of a demanding work role, often combined with a long list of expectations re the man she seeks – including that he be at least as successful as she is – can leave her on a crowded shelf.

It would seem that most guys do not have nearly as many items on their wish list re a potential partner. For many it is important that she is intelligent, he finds her attractive and that she makes him feel like her man. Unfortunately, in order to achieve, many a woman today does not readily reveal her more vulnerable, softer self – the femininity that for millennia has attracted the ‘protector’ and ‘provider’ in a man.

Alas, all too often, the Mr Right a woman seeks is not looking for her!

 

 

Challenges men encounter in the dating scene today.

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There is no doubt that relating to the female of the species can be confusing for guys when it comes to dating…and vice versa!

Some observations I have provided to an international blog site re why dating can be so confusing and disappointing for both sexes today…

  • These days the supposedly innate flirting complex seems to have gone missing! Guys often say they don’t know whether to approach a woman. It seems many women develop a protective persona that conceals their more feminine and vulnerable self in the workplace – and beyond.
  • It is not surprising that men can often lose interest if a woman they’ve started dating texts or calls too often…their brains has evolved over millennia to assist them to focus on a task and to be ‘the hunter’. While a woman’s hormones may drive her to want to communicate and connect, a man is likely to be more aware of his feelings through missing her than constant contact.
  • Single women aware of their biological clock ticking often raise the issue of their desire to have a child during the first few dates – even when they know from his profile a man’s views re having children.   This is likely to turn off the guy who feels wanted more as a producer of offspring than for himself!
  • Sex early on can be risky business. For many a woman it’s likely to pump hormones that bond her emotionally while for a guy it may be just an enjoyable physical release.

Unless we build bridges of understanding millions of men and women in our world will be unhappily alone when they would prefer to be sharing life with a partner.

Appreciating gender difference is key to a great relationship!

 

Communication is key to a great relationship!

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Recently I sent the following letter to the editor of the Australian in response to an article by Bettina Arndt re international research that has revealed a dramatic change over recent decades in women’s interest in sex.

Bettina Arndt’s report re the increasing lack of desire for sex in many women does not surprise me. As as matchmaker since 1976 and also as a psychologist and relationship mentor, I have spoken to thousands of singles and couples about the increasing challenges to their enjoying a mutually rewarding sex life. Four decades ago it all seemed much simpler to achieve.

Today the majority of women work and have many more stressors in their lives – meeting the needs and expectations of their partner when it comes to sex being one. While for most guys, sex release is simple and straightforward, for a woman who is low in feel good hormone, it can be but another item on her list of ‘to dos’.

Communication and appreciating differences between the sexes when it comes to being sexually satisfied is key to enjoying a mutually rewarding sex life. For many a woman oxytocins, her feel good hormones, often need to reboot though simple pleasures such as touch and talk for her to really enjoy sex while her partner is more likely to be focused on orgasm.

Like most of the challenges we experience when it comes to living successfully together as men and women today, realising that our needs and expectations may differ is the basis on which to find mutually rewarding fulfillment.

Single? Beware of expecting ‘instant chemistry’…

Beware instant chemistry!

Beware instant chemistry!

…it can blind us from the potential of a great partnership – and leave us  disillusioned and alone!

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In this brief video clip from my address to a conference of matchmakers in Florida in March this year,  I raise an issue that I’ve referred to in previous insights that is causing a great deal of disappointment for singles seeking love…       … the expectation that they will be smitten at first sight when they meet ‘the one’ with whom they will share their life. 

Yet all too often this is an expectation of high chemistry at the outset can not only blind us from a potentially great relationship – but also leave us disillusioned and alone.

There is no doubt that sexual attraction is usually an important ingredient of a partnership.  However, the rush of hormones that accompanies ‘love at first sight’ is usually more to do with perpetuation of the species than compatibility when it comes to sharing the ups and downs of life.

Indeed, as I have also mentioned previously, experts in the field of love and attraction will go so far as to say that if the instant chemistry is a 9 or 10 it is wise to run the other way!

Lasting chemistry  is likely to last comes from a relationship with someone you  really care for the more that you get to know them…and  from being known and appreciated for who you really are, warts and all!